the man i love/live with gets nasty when he drinks?
I’m 40, he’s 45..both attracive, both divorced. we met a year ago through an internet dating service. We lived 3 1/2 hours apart, dated for 4 months and then i moved to where he is. 70% of the time he is a sweetheart. but there are times when he gets drunk and gets nasty (not physical) telling me to leave, he’s better off by himself, he dosn’t love me , blah blah blah…
after acting like this,(usualy the next day, or 2nd day at the latest) he tells me we will continue to try..never really apologising..but definately making an effort to resolve our fude. On a normal day, he loves me, we get along well, good with both families, do things together, have friends…ect.. but on these drunken times, it rips my heart out and I often think i should just leave and not put up with this. I have looked for my own place, but our fued is always resolved before i even go to look at an place. I pray that i will be shown a way to deal with him in drunken times. I know he loves me, and am confused
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Tags: 4 months, Apologising, Blah, Definately, drinks, Drunk, fude, heart, internet dating service, Man Love, Nasty, Resolve, sweetheart, usualy
Alcoholic. Get him to choose, you or the booze. Things will never improve. Try an alonon meeting. They are for people who live with alcoholics. If he gets that ugly when he drinks, he should not drink. If he drinks in spite of the way he becomes, he has a problem.
Sounds to me like he is an alcoholic. You don’t want to be with a man like this. Either he gets help or else you should move on. Good luck.
Just remember that the 30% is as much him as the other 70%. It won’t get better unless he gets sober.
If he really loves you , first he wouldn’t drink, seeing as when he drinks he gets nasty to you. He needs counseling. You need to get away from him. Di you ever wonder why he was divorced. I bet it had something to do with his drinking and being nasty to his ex wife. Get away from him before the nasty word become nasty physical action towards you.
PS. If he loves you he won’t drink and bad mouth you. I don’t think he loves you, you just want to believe he does.
Your guy is an alcoholic. Not all alcoholics drink everyday or drink too much every time. I know, I am one. But this is disturbing. He will probablly get more abusive, especially if you keep letting him off the hook. It sounds like you’re codependant and need to go to an alanon meeting. It bothers me too that he doesn’t apoligize afterwards. I was with a very abusive guy for three years and he never apoligized either. Now I love a guy who isn’t mean and doesn’t hit and it is so much better! Give your guy an ultimatum and stick to it if he keeps abusing you. And make no mistake-he’s abusing you.
I can understand things getting better before you start looking for a place. But if you stay it’s like deciding to accept him and his behavior. If he really wanted to try and better things. He would stop drinking or at least not drink so much that he gets nasty.
If drinking alcohol is causing a problem and a person continues to drink – That is a problem.
His alcohol consumption is the problem, NOT your ability to deal with the abuse. Why would you want to learn how to tolerate someone abusing you… someone that can’t even say they are sorry or acknowledge the verbal abuse?
I was verbally abusive when I drank… always thought it was the time to "talk things out" WRONG.
Solution: I don’t drink. Simple.
If you really care about him, then you need to have a talk to him about how terrible you feel when he gets drunk. Tell him that if he loves you, then he will go for alcohol counselling. It is not normal for a person to react this nastily when they are drunk, that is a bad sign. If he wants to save the relationship and he loves you, then he will give it a try.
If not, then I will recommend you leave before it is too late, and you lose all will power to live.
Hope this helps,
Good luck and God bless-:)
You ought to get your buns over to Al-Anon.They should be in the phone book and they deal with just this very thing. They can give you better advice than you will ever get here.
I agree that he sounds like an alcoholic and needs to get help. It won’t get better if he doesn’t. When I was little, my dad would get drunk and say all kinds of nasty things to my mom and my brother and me. My mom put up with it for 19 years and was absolutely miserable! Think about it…would you want to be miserable that long?
BIG BRIGHT RED FLAG with flashing red and blue lights and sirens.
There is no need to be confused. Those drunken times will become more frequent the longer you stay with him. If he can’t drink without getting drunk, then he doesn’t need to drink at all. If he can’t drink without getting drunk, you are going to be in for a hell of a time because it gets worse before it gets better.
It sounds like hes na alcoholic. Being an alcoholic doen’t mean always being durnl, there are binge alcoholics who just get very wasted every couple of days. You should try and tell him this and seek counseling and check out some AA meetings. Don’t leave him, he needs you right now and hes still a good person he just needs help through this. Maybe you could just get a short clip of when hes drunk and show it to him to make him realize how bad it is. Normal people don’t get as drunk this often as it sounds. Good luck.
Perhaps he is an alcoholic…maybe set up a camera to catch him in the act,and show him it when hes fully sober….maybe he’ll figure it out….if not i would say tell him he needs to go to A.A. and if he refuses your only option is to get out of the situation….it only takes one time for it to escalate out of control,for there not to be a second time. Not to mention youre going to start resenting him all the time for the way he treats you that 30% of the time….
Also 9 times out of 10 a drunken mind speaks a sober heart
as a person who loves to drink.. get the hell out .. get your own place.. he will not change.. if he thinks you will allow this he will continue it.. it is a respect thing.. he don;t respect you.. your willing to allow it to continue.. it is kinda like this. if she don’t respect her self .. why should I..
Deep down inside you know what you need to do, but something is holding you back either love, pity, or fear…However, you deserve to be happy and obviously what he is doing although it doesnt happen often is having a negative impact on the relationship.
I would suggest talking with him about how you feel. In addition to that, you need to let him know that his behavior wil not be tolerated. Finally, you need to tell him the ultimatum if he does not stop (and mean what you say…don’t let him call your bluff)
A friend of mine was in a similar situation as you. Her fiance would get abusive when he drank. Well, she finally broke down and told him that if he did not stop she would leave. Well, a few months after that he got very drunk and said some mean and nasty things to her. The very next day she started lookig for a place to live. It took her about 2 weeks to get a place that she could move her things into. During that 2 weeks, her fiance has no idea what she was doing and during that particular time he was extremely sweet to her. On the day she was moving out, he was absolutely shocked that she was leaving…he did not understand why. All she said to him was "I meant what I said when I told you that I will not put up with you tallking to me any type of way when you’re drunk" The point of this story is, it doesnt matter how nice he is afterwards, that should not be an excuse for you not leaving if you really want to.
Drinking does that you i have got mean verbally when having a few, and i never meant it, i loved him with all i was.. and i never could figure out why I hurt the most wonderful man I ever met, he would forgive me after i would apologize, but none the less i hurt him and I never meant to. It usually stems from a person’s psychological phobia, for me it was a way to push him away because I loved him so much and the fear of being hurt came out when I drank.. I wasn’t name caller but i said crass things.. So what I’m trying to say the cause is different for everyone..
you know, he may be a nice man.. but honestly, think about it, you don’t deserve to be treated like this.. if he’s drinking and calling you names and all kinda things which makes you upset, you gotta stop him and iron things out… you have to tell him to watch his f*ucking mouth when he talks to you! And he has to solve this drinking problem of his… if not, how are you ever going to be happy with him? this is going to kill you bit by bit…